omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
