Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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