Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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