I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
