This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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