I'm lost and stupid without you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
