dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
