you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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