Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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