if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
