I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
