I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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