He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
