There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
