3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
