i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
