She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
