I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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