I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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