He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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