I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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