When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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