He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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