I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
