I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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