So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You left your phone here
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