Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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