I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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