He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
