I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
