My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
