do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
