I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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