Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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