I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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