If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
