I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
