I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize