Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
