you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
