So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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