My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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