I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
