My friends, they love my intelligence
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
