literally had 100 drinks last night.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
