got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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