Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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