Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
