WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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