I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
