a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
