theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
