Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you didnt know i had herpes?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
