OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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