I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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