Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
