hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
